No Second Chance...

Life is short. Live it to it's fullest...for there is no second chance!
Copyright © 2010: Please do not copy, quote or reprint without prior authorization

God why.....

Moma, you are gone and now I am alone! I don't know how I am going to live without you. The nights are so long and the days are so cold and empty. I am so sorry that I became so busy in moving forward in life. I am so sorry I did not take the time I should have to help you.  I am deeply sorry you spent your last days in fear crying out for help and that I didn't hear you until it was too late. I hope where ever you are now that you will forgive me for being so blind and foolish. I am so very sorry I let you down!
     I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. You have always been my best friend.  You have taught me so much. You have been the greatest mother God ever created and the world will never be the same without you. I hope you are now at peace and somehow can forgive me. I should never have put my work before you. Most merciful God forgive me as well. Just as in life you taught me to be a better person, so have you taught me in death as well. I didn't heed your cries for help this last year when you felt so bad and for that, the guilt will be unbearable for the rest of my life.  But going forward I promise I will never put my job before my family. They will come first! OH GOD, Just why did it have to end this way!
     I LOVE YOU MOMA!

Ann
Copyright © 2010: Please do not copy, quote or reprint without prior authorization

My mother taught me to live!

     I can't believe my mother is gone. I am confounded and numb! My mother has always been such a vibrant lady.
     My mother loved life! She adored children. There was nothing that could warm her heart or make her smile more than that of a child. She loved animals and birds; especially her Pomeranian Abby. Nothing gave her more pleasure than working in her garden and watching the plants grow and blossom. Red birds and blue birds graced her world in admiration. It was a simple and uplifting joy she found in watching birds; their flitting about in a day or playing in her gardens sand or bath. She truly found amazement in their flight and play. Her potted plants and flowers gave her great joy as well.
     If ever there was a perfect mother it was my mother. She truly knew what it was to care and nuture her children in body, mind, soul and spirit. When you were down she could quiet your fears. She could sooth the hurt that made your heart ache.  She taught strenght when faced with adversity. She taught how to get up and face life when it seemed greater than you could face. Her love of God spoke from her heart.
It was through my mothers courage and love that I learned to live.

Ann
  

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The rest of my life without you.....

My mother died 12/30/2010 at 11:48 PM. She was my best friend in the world.  There are no words to describe the loss or emptiness I feel. There is a need within my whole being that can not be filled.....

I love you Moma, my heart and soul can not comprehend what I will do for the rest of my life without you.

You are my best friend! There is so much left unsaid.... so much yet still incomplete.....There is such a void within my heart; an emptiness that that can not be filled....

My days are long and the nights so ominous.... I can't sleep....I can't eat.... I don't want to go on without you. This pain is more than I can bear.

There will be no more days of picking up the phone to share with you the latest triumph in my life or to seek your wisdom or to feel the comfort of your love.....

You taught me to love.... You taught me to live....  but moma the one thing you never taught me is how I am to live without you when I need you so much.....

You always told me that you never wanted to hurt your children by dying...You made us promise not to cry, but moma there is no way I can help myself.  The tears come daily... and they consume me because of the hurt....  the loss.... I can't help myself not to cry....

Moma please know I will love you forever .... and forever.... and forever.... and ever....

 Ann


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Life Never the Same again.....

My mom was diagnosed with Leukemia on Sunday and we will never be the same. At first she didn't understand because they had just gave her pain medication. She was so distraught from the pain she was feeling nothing registered. Four hours later as her pain medication wore off, I then gently broke it too her again. She looked shock for a moment then she looked at me blankly and said naively, "How did I get that?" That was a hard question to answer my mother. To be honest how do you tell someone who has worked hard all her life and tried to take care of herself how she got leukemia. Was it the environmental toxins she was exposed to as that naive young mother working in a textile factory to feed and support her children, the anhydrous ammonia negligently spilled by the train in our home town the morning we had to flee because the of the gas settling all around us, or was it the remote possibility with the chance in a billion or trillion from the blood transfusion she received a year ago after having had after surgery to save her life could have been contaminated with that one cell able to cause such; you know maybe it's the diet soda she drinks on a daily basis that is suppose to be safe as well. My reply, I didn't and I still don't know how to answer my mothers question. 

     We are taught the things to do to try and prevent cancer, yet it is not in the prevention. It is in the negligent exploiting and greedy money hungry corporations who uncaring destroy the lives of others whom they see as insignificant. How do I tell my mother that. I have no answer for her. 

     An ounce of prevention should be worth a pound of care or so this is the new focus in this world being taught when really it is the negligent people with money in control that is causing this to happen. 

     We work as consumers. We spend our money earned at the price of their negligence and then we turn around and purchase their products produced at the expense of the naive ones. We pay taxes on that money to a government who allows these things to happen just like the Gulf of Mexico oil spill and all the oil that will now for decades contaminate our ocean. Then we when we get sick. It's  that same money earned from those negligent corporations that  is required to pay the medical bills for the illness they caused the innocent consumer to begin with. 

     Honestly, I don't know how to answer my mothers question. I can't tell her that answer. All I know is that now I am going to watch the best friend that I have ever loved in the whole world suffer and give her most precious all for some negligent practice that ......I love you moma and all I can say is that I am sorry!

Ann


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One of life's greatest gifts...Friendship!

     All things change, nothing stays the same and life is most often in transition. 
As time moves forward one finds the heart longing for the good old days, 
realizing only that they are gone, leaving the heart yearning to return home. 
     T'is true, then the heart will seek out old friends who are dear
 that have come and gone, ultimately the ones that have remained,
 As a ship in the night, some sail through lingering only a brief moment, 
then move on and beyond. And in their seemingly short time, 
they unknowingly touch you life, leaving forever their special love anchored within the heart.
      T'is my wish for all who have old friends who have remained and others who have passed on in the night, know you are cherished and always appreciated, for your mark you have made, which will remain upon within the heart.
       T'is  such friendships that are among the greatest gifts in life, 
and one is so lucky to have known and shared. For it is upon friendships 
strongest bonds that allows another's trusts in life to grow stronger within it's song.

Ann

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Old Self is ultimately One's Self

"I pack my trunk, embrace my friends, embark on the sea, and at last wake up in Naples, and there beside me is the Stern Fact, the Sad Self, unrelenting, identical, that I fled from." Ralph Waldo Emerson/US essayist & poet (1803 - 1882)
   Here Emerson reminds me of a time as a mother I found very difficult in watching my oldest son eke out a path to adulthood trying to find himself and meet success. My hardest moments were standing by as he struggled and failed. He felt he could do no right; there were no brighter tomorrows. He was convinced he needed to start life anew with a new identity; thus the old self would die insuring his success. His new plan consisted of changing his name and moving to far away to arrive at a new self.  

   As a mother, changing his name was a hard one to stomach especially for someone who had put much thought and effort into the name finally bestowed upon him. My heart broke feeling his pain and strife. 

   In watching his struggle I recalled a time in my life that I too felt there was no other way to redeem myself other than changing everything about my life.  As a teenager I had tired of the discomfort and cruelty of fellow classmates in my struggle to be accepted and popular. Broken hearted I begged my mother to allow me to change schools. I felt that a new beginning would grant me that sense of success so needed. My mother wise in her knowledge of life and strong in her convictions stood strong providing me love, reassurance, and taught me to love myself no matter what. Lessons given were aimed at meeting my fears head on and ultimately controlling my own destiny. In reflection, I realize the best I could do for my son was to love, encourage, and teach him to face his fears. Learning to ultimately love himself and to navigate his future just as my mother had done for me.  

   Reading this passage from Emerson helped me to realize that these feelings of insecurity and falling short of success are felt by others more often than we know. We are not alone. In supporting my son I reminded him he could change his name or move far away, but no matter what hurt, failure, or success transpired, he would always find he was only himself. Similar to this struggle, it is apparent that Emerson experienced these same feelings as well. He yearned with a need to be free of his old self and attempted to leave it far behind only to learn, just as my son did, that no matter where we go or how far we run, we will ultimately awake to find our old unloved self is actually our-self. In wondering I ask myself, did he ever find self-love needed to over come these feelings of insecurity? Did he have that love and support from a mother who could teach him that his success with destiny lay simply in learning to loving ones only himself?

Ann

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