Old Self is ultimately One's Self

"I pack my trunk, embrace my friends, embark on the sea, and at last wake up in Naples, and there beside me is the Stern Fact, the Sad Self, unrelenting, identical, that I fled from." Ralph Waldo Emerson/US essayist & poet (1803 - 1882)
   Here Emerson reminds me of a time as a mother I found very difficult in watching my oldest son eke out a path to adulthood trying to find himself and meet success. My hardest moments were standing by as he struggled and failed. He felt he could do no right; there were no brighter tomorrows. He was convinced he needed to start life anew with a new identity; thus the old self would die insuring his success. His new plan consisted of changing his name and moving to far away to arrive at a new self.  

   As a mother, changing his name was a hard one to stomach especially for someone who had put much thought and effort into the name finally bestowed upon him. My heart broke feeling his pain and strife. 

   In watching his struggle I recalled a time in my life that I too felt there was no other way to redeem myself other than changing everything about my life.  As a teenager I had tired of the discomfort and cruelty of fellow classmates in my struggle to be accepted and popular. Broken hearted I begged my mother to allow me to change schools. I felt that a new beginning would grant me that sense of success so needed. My mother wise in her knowledge of life and strong in her convictions stood strong providing me love, reassurance, and taught me to love myself no matter what. Lessons given were aimed at meeting my fears head on and ultimately controlling my own destiny. In reflection, I realize the best I could do for my son was to love, encourage, and teach him to face his fears. Learning to ultimately love himself and to navigate his future just as my mother had done for me.  

   Reading this passage from Emerson helped me to realize that these feelings of insecurity and falling short of success are felt by others more often than we know. We are not alone. In supporting my son I reminded him he could change his name or move far away, but no matter what hurt, failure, or success transpired, he would always find he was only himself. Similar to this struggle, it is apparent that Emerson experienced these same feelings as well. He yearned with a need to be free of his old self and attempted to leave it far behind only to learn, just as my son did, that no matter where we go or how far we run, we will ultimately awake to find our old unloved self is actually our-self. In wondering I ask myself, did he ever find self-love needed to over come these feelings of insecurity? Did he have that love and support from a mother who could teach him that his success with destiny lay simply in learning to loving ones only himself?

Ann

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